Helping vs. Enabling

How do you know when your offer of help has become enabling? As a Christian, I find it to be difficult to say ‘No’ – especially to someone in need. Early on in my journey, there would be so many times where I found myself getting burned out, exhausted even, yet showing little evidence of progress or change in the person’s situation. What was the problem? Was I not good enough? Was I not doing enough? I was running ragged with all the ‘helping’, even feeling taken advantage of. But helping is the right thing to do... right?

And then I realized that I was putting more effort into helping someone than even they were. What it boiled down to was that *I* WANTED it. I was willing to make a sacrifice, and they were willing to let me make it, rather than put forth reasonable effort themselves.

Enabling, in the context of problematic behavior, “signifies dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.” In this short lifetime I have come across many in need. In urban ministry, dire situations present themselves daily. People have no food, no shelter, no money, no love. My heart breaks with a yearning for others to experience a full, meaningful life in Christ. I desire to help others to discover and move beyond. Through that, I have observed that there are people who truly want to do well and act upon it, and there are people who will let YOU sacrifice FOR them.

This has lead to some serious reflection. In this case, one in particular example kept coming back to my remembrance. Envision a helpless man, lying near a downtown park, unable to walk for nearly forty years. His clothes are tattered, his legs are weak, his face thin with hunger and angst. He begs for change and scraps of food from passersby. There was such a man that Jesus came across, as recorded in John 5. This man had been an invalid for 38 years. He lay on a mat near Bethesda, a pool of water believed to have healing qualities.

When Jesus saw him, he asked one simple, poignant question:

"DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?"

What an odd question to ask a man in an obvious condition. He obviously was not well. He obviously had a need. Yet the first thing Jesus did was inquire, ‘Do you want to get well?’ Why would he ask such a thing? Consider what would change once the man was well. It would mean a substantial change in his living situation. He would no longer be able to beg to make a living. He would have to let go of that way of life and adapt to something completely different, after nearly 40 years.

Instead of answering the question, the man replies: "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." The man begins to make excuses. He was waiting for someone else to do something for him. This illness ‘became’ him. He was not living up to his full potential. Perhaps he had adjusted to it in an unhealthy way and came to expect recognition, pity and attention as a result of his illness.

So then Jesus laid hands on him and healed him immediately... right? Wrong. The man was asked to take action. Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." Two key things here. The man is commanded to walk. His weak legs were strengthened, yet the man was asked to obey – to walk. Secondly, he was told to pick up his mat. Why? Wouldn’t he want to leave the filthy, probably rancid mat there? There was a purpose for this command. Had the mat been left there, it could have been easy to return to what was familiar. He had to walk away in an act of obedience. Bridges had to be burned.

A little while after this occurred, Jesus saw the man in the Temple, and said: "You look wonderful! You're well! Don't return to a sinning life or something worse might happen." The man is reminded to not only mind his physical well-being, but also his spiritual health.

When I reflect upon this story, I realize that one must have a desire to ‘get well’. Healing, be it spiritually, physically, or emotionally, also comes with obedience and action. We have to be willing to let go of areas of apathy, comfort and familiarity, and burn bridges to move into new life.